As promised, here is the sneak peek at a chapter from Charlie Bluster book 4, The Madness of Charlie Bluster, together with the latest cover design concept.
At the end of the last book, all-around-bad-guy and nasty piece of work, Conn McLear, narrowly escaped with his life after starting a fight with Charlie Bluster. McLear, although aware of Charlie’s alter-ego as the Un-god of Fate, vastly underestimated both his magical powers and his Kung-Fu skills. McLear had not only attempted to destroy Charlie’s political career and tip the UK into recession but he also kidnapped Charlie’s girlfriend Katie. An enraged Bluster was out for revenge and quickly turned the tables on the unsuspecting Irishman.
Returning to Dublin, Conn has now regrouped and formed a new team of super-criminals dedicated both to the downfall of Charlie and to selling as many dodgy used cars as possible.
There are many debates about which is the smelliest animal in the world. If you asked your mummy or your Uncle Steve then almost certainly they would say that it is the skunk, which as everyone knows, puts out a nose-curdling stink to discourage any predators stupid enough to try and eat it.
But I’ll bet my spare pair of underpants that Uncle Steve has never heard of the Farting Baboon of Southern Nigeria which uses bottom gas expulsions as its main form of communication during the mating season.
No one has ever witnessed what happens during the baboon mating season because the smell is so bad that not even Bear Grylls dares to go within a hundred miles of the place.
However, the Farting Baboon is pleasantly pungent when compared to the Peruvian Dung Sloth. This animal is famous for having the worst body odour of any creature in the known universe, (with possible exception of the Welsh Rugby Team after one hundred scrums).
The Sloth builds up its foul aroma by only bathing in runny elephant poo, (which the sloth believes is good for its complexion).
But all of these animals are absolutely nothing next to the Triple-bottomed Tasmanian Stench Toad.
The Toad has a diet of Reheated Brussel Sprouts, Stale Curry Chips and Rotten Rhino Bogeys. Each of these deadly ingredients is digested in a separate tummy with the resulting gases being farted out by separate bums.
Should another animal be unfortunate enough to encounter the Stench Toad, each bottom will fire together with the combined explosion being equivalent in smell power to a medium-sized nuclear warhead.
The Triple Bottomed Stench Toad is also classed as the most dangerous animal alive.
Five hundred years ago, during the famous battle of Little Nostril-twitch, (which started when the Duke of Little Nostril-twitch took offence at the terrible table manners of the belching wife of the Earl of Upper Nose-drip).
These two lords had chosen a field outside town to settle their differences and deployed their respective armies who were happily hacking away at each other.
Unfortunately halfway through the battle, someone accidentally trod on a pair of mating stench toads who were living in the middle of the same field.
The resulting six-bottomed fart explosion registered on the Richter Scale for Erupting Volcanoes and the deadly reek killed everyone within miles of the event including both lords and the belching wife.
While a dangerous lion or a killer crocodile may chew its way through one or two poor victims a year, the total number of people killed by the toads was so massive that it catapulted the animal to the very top of the danger list, just below Vladimir Putin.
The whole area around Little Nostril-twitch and Upper Nose-drip was immediately roped off and banned to all visitors. The leaves on the trees there have maintained a crusty brown ring to this very day.
The evil trio of Malcolm, god of Fate, Conn McLear, and XXXXXXXX all met together face to face in their new secret headquarters in the larger of the two potato sheds round the back of Greasy Bill’s chippy.
It must be said that poor Bill had no idea who was using the place but he was certainly enjoying the five blocks of lard in rent that he received each month.
“Right, we’re all agreed,” stated McLear, “that as the most dangerous creature on the planet, the Triple Bottomed Stench Toad is the right logo for our new team of evil geniuses.”
There were a series of murmurs of agreement, it had taken them a while to select the logo and both the Irish Potato-Stealing Squirrel and the Olympian Unicorn-Eating Possum had been rejected in the last round of counting.
“Now,” continued McLear, “we’ll review all the actions from our last meeting. Item number one, and to my mind the most important, who is in charge of merchandise?”
“That’s me,” said XXXXXXXX getting up. With incredible style, he whipped a cloth from the table in the centre of the room.
Underneath was a selection of cool items all printed with a picture of the Triple Bottomed Stench Toad in its characteristic position: bums in the area, ready to fire!
“I think you’ll agree,” said XXXXXXXX, “that our marketing department has outdone itself. For starters, we have here all the usual items, pens, water bottles and mugs.”
This was met with disdain! As the world’s top evil geniuses they expected something more than this. Malcolm’s palace back in Olympus was coming down with more free water bottles than the average dung sloth has had runny elephant poo baths.
“Now don’t get your knickers in a twist,” cautioned XXXXXXXX holding up another item, “this is the real star piece, it’s a key ring with both a bottle opener and a belly-button-fluff-remover built into the inside.”
There was a sharp intake of breath and a quick round of applause, this was more like it.
“Finally,” said XXXXXXXX, turning round and dropping his trousers. “We have the official team underpants.” There in the centre of his bum was proudly printed a full-colour copy of the new team logo with their motto, Down with Charlie Bluster, underneath.
Who do you think the new bad guy is? Mr Dirty Brown, the Mafia hitman, or maybe its the right honourable Gerald Oswestry Rottenborough, the former PM ousted by Charlie Bluster, or maybe Mrs Higgensworth has gone rogue and betrayed Charlie??
That's it for this blog entry and thanks a lot for reading.
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