A side-splitting, toilet flushing, kung-fu ballet dancing, political epic adventure story.
For Adults and Children of 10 years +
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Having mastered the Dark Powers of Marketing, cute orphan boy Charlie easily captures the hearts and minds of the British public and is elected Prime Minister. Supported by his loyal comrades he leads Britain into a new golden age of Toilet Technology overflowing with Brown Sauce and with free chips for everyone.
Unbeknownst to Charlie, ancient galactic forces of great evil that have been farting for centuries in the darkness of the Outer Void smell the opportunity for new profits. Led by the sinister former used-car salesman and now politician, Conn McLear, they are moving against him.
How will Charlie and his friends survive? This third incredible instalment in the Charlie Bluster series should be supplied with a free corset to stop your sides splitting with laughter. Read it now for adults and children of 10 years and up.
Parliament held an emergency session to discuss the crisis. “Now I hope we are all agreed,” said the current Prime Minister, “that fourteen-year-old boys are absolutely not allowed to run for office. We’ll make an official statement to say that this Charlie Bluster is not eligible.” “But he’s just the cutest little boy,” declared Miss Jack, Minister for the Interior. She pointed at the PM, “and he would look so much better than you do on TV.” A roar of agreement erupted from both the back and forward benches at the same time. "Oooh and I accidentally ran into him last week,” said Mr Jones, Minister for the Exterior. “He is the nicest boy you could ever hope to meet. What’s more, he promised that I would be promoted to Chancellor of the Exchequer when he becomes Prime Minister. Such a wonderful, wonderful child.” The current Chancellor of the Exchequer looked extremely displeased. He immediately raised a motion to have the Minister for the Exterior covered in Cold Custard however it was quickly voted down as nobody really liked the Chancellor.
The third incredible book in the Charlie Bluster series continues the story after the end of the second book, ‘Fate’s Apprentice’.
Trained in the magical powers of the gods and the unholy skills of Marketing, Charlie bunks Olympus and returns home to Britain. Everyone wants to find out more about him and backed up by his special abilities it’s not long before he is more popular than Taylor Swift and The Rock combined.
Riding high on the wave of his own success, Charlie decides to run for the position of Prime Minister. What lies will he tell to convince people to vote for him and would he do a better job than the Tories?
It’s not all plain sailing as Malcolm, god of Fate, after another almighty temper tantrum, wants rid of poor Charlie. He teams up with bad guy, and all-round nasty piece of work, Conn McLear, to get rid of our hero once and for all.
Read on to find more snippets from the story, a detailed description of the Prime Minister’s private loo, (it’s the most advanced toilet in the world and so awesome Iron Man would give his spare helmet just to use it once), and details of some of the foul traps laid by Malcolm and McLear to trap Charlie.
You'll find lots more in the book itself including Policies of Success, the essential formula for winning an election and becoming prime minister and not to forget, the largest bogey ball ever assembled.
Charlie Bluster was written for a 10-year-old boy called Harry to keep him amused on the way back home from holiday. Although there are some big words it may appeal to younger children from the age of 8 up. Charlie Bluster is an exciting fantasy story but also funny and contains many jokes that big children (adults) will find enjoyable.
Mrs Higgensworth, worried about the possibility of an attack on Charlie, had assigned the absolute toughest of her new elite guards to protect him. Each one of these Grim Old Battleaxes had served at least twenty years in schools or Norphanges that would make Bash Street look like a home for Elderly Lady Priests. There wasn’t a single spillage they hadn’t mopped up or any type of naughty child they hadn’t told off. These Wizened Old Prunes were armed to the teeth with the new Handbags of Devastation and they had Stares of Death that could sink battle cruisers.
If you like Roald Dahl, Terry Pratchett or a funny Harry Potter then Charlie Bluster could be for you. Read the first chapter online for free to see for yourself.
“You should see the toilets they have in this place,” he said jumping down. “There is a games console built into the bowl and you can Play and Poo at the same time! They also have a special slot where pizza is dispensed and the whole thing is voice-controlled from the latest home assistant, Stella.
It looks like one of those super arch-villain secret lairs where the Criminal Mastermind can barricade himself in and control the entire world,” (this is in fact exactly what it was for).
Excitedly, everyone crammed in to check out the facilities. Unfortunately Jaden really did play and poo at the same time and the in-bowl windscreen wipers and lavender-scented oxygen pump were running in overdrive trying to de-contaminate the place.
“We’ll have to check it out later,” declared Charlie holding his nose and trying to breathe through his Left Armpit. Just as they were about to turn away, the big screen on the toilet wall immediately flicked into life. “Welcome to Number Ten Downing Street,” chimed in Stella. “How can I help you today Mr Prime Minister?”
The purple phone goes straight to Her Majesty the Queen at Buckingham Palace, the blue phone connects to the head of the secret service at MI6, and most importantly of all, the red bat-phone puts him in immediate contact with Dominoes, where a double pepperoni is ready on standby twenty-four-seven to go into the oven.
With the pizza delivery hatch on one wall, a letterbox in the door for urgent correspondences and a pipe that delivered constant Coca-Cola on demand, the PM could govern the entire of Great Britain from inside the bog for at least a full week
Trap 1 - Accidental Petrol Spillage of Death
Having guzzled too much water and continually delayed by Conn, Charlie will be crossing his legs and sprinting for the toilet. Children, how many times does Mummy tell you not to run in the bathroom in case you slip?
“Oooh,” stated Malcolm, “what sort of accident are you talking about? Like maybe he might break a fingernail?”
“Or maybe,” said McLear, thoughtfully chewing on a piece of the eighty-seven, “he might accidentally, violently slip and break his neck while going to the toilet.
Those stone floors can be very dangerous, especially if the right amount of Petrol has been poured onto them first.”
As soon as Jaden’s foot touched the first tile on the bathroom floor, he, unfortunately, (and of course Completely Accidentally), slipped badly on the petrol that someone had Accidentally, (and on purpose), spilt.
The perpetrator, however, hadn’t counted on the Enormous Expanse of Jaden’s Bottom which was reinforced through years of being on a Massive See-Food Diet, (this is different to a Sea-food diet. With a See-food diet, you eat all the food you can see).
Trap 2 – Callous Car Insurance Assassin of Doom
McLear has used his influence to cause some poor person’s car insurance premium to go up astronomically. He’s promised to make it all go away if only the man will get rid of Charlie first. McLear will distract Charlie at the crucial moment so his defences will be down.
“Oh-oh,” said Malcolm putting his hand up again, “he could accidentally Smudge his Mascara, that would be a real disaster.”
“Or perhaps,” said McLear, “while he was distracted fixing it, he might be brutally murdered by an assassin who was in a particularly foul mood due to his Car Insurance Premium having vastly increased.”
It was at this very moment that a Rogue Assassin appeared on the scene! Enraged to the point of madness, (due to the large increase in his car insurance premium), he had been promised a discount if only he could get rid of Charlie Bluster.
Brandishing his Renewal Form he leapt towards Charlie in a rage hoping to finish the boy off in a single stroke. Needing the loo badly, Charlie struggled to settle himself into Tortoise Kung-fu or indeed adopt any defensive stance at all.
Trap 3 – Killer Crocodile of Certain Damnation
Charlie and Katie have worked hard all day giving speeches, meeting fans and looking cool. There’s nothing they want more than a nice sit-down for five minutes before the next meeting. Unfortunately for them, the sofa has been booby-trapped in the third of McLear’s dastardly traps:
“Or worst of all,” said Malcolm he might lose his keys down the side of the settee and be forced to put his hand in there with all the crumbs, bogeys and disgusting mouldy old cornflakes.”
Malcolm shivered at the very thought and the horror of the situation.
“Indeed,” said McLear, “and while he was doing that his whole arm might get bitten off by a Rabid Crocodile that just happened to have got lost down the side of the sofa earlier that day.”
Sitting down, Hercules was violently and brutally attacked by the rabid crocodile which attempted to bite his Entire Bum off in one go!
Hercules wasn’t god of exercise for nothing! Executing an immediate Star Jump he launched himself up off the sofa and away from danger.
Dig into Conn McLear's background and continue the story after the end of the book with Otherworld: Epic Adventure.
Otherworld: Epic Adventure is a Celtic murder mystery adventure story steeped in Irish History, Mythology and Politics.
Playing as Jaden Phillips you travel to Ireland to uncover the mystery of McLear’s shadowy past and to learn how to stop him before it’s too late!
Unlock the secrets of the Celtic Otherworld to solve mystery and political intrigue in modern Ireland.