Dance of Destiny
An incredible funk-strutting, face-stuffing, heart-wrenching, helicopter wedgie-dealing fantasy epic adventure story.
For Adults and Children of 10 years +
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An ancient evil awakens as a new one arises. Joining forces and bent on Revenge, Total Galactic Domination, and Ripping off as Many Old Ladies as Possible, who will be able to stop them?
National hero, Charlie Bluster is smitten by love and his attention is diverted. Can he rise to the challenge? Will his vaunted powers or even those of the gods be sufficient to safeguard the country?
A tale of love, friendship, betrayal, and yes, Gargantuan Amounts of Extreme Handbag-Wielding Violence! This fantasy epic is also packed with enough snot-firing snafus to sneak a snigger from Scrooge McDuck.
Ready your spare pair of underpants before picking up this fourth incredible instalment in the Charlie Bluster series as you will surely wet yourself with laughter.
Read it now for adults and children of 10 years and up.
We hope you enjoy this excerpt from the story:
Dancing was the most popular sport in Britain and the man of the moment, the top of the pile was Mr Saturday Night, Fred Brown! The Top Dog and the Killer Queen, he was the best of the best and Kooler than any Kat This Side of Kansas. The girls all wanted to be with him and the guys all wanted to be him! With more animal magnetism than a whole herd of buffalo, he was the hottest property in Britain.
But incredibly, Fred wasn’t always so amazingly popular!
Only a few short years ago he was considered as Dull as Dishwater, a Norman No-Mates and an Uber-Nerd on the Weasley Crusher Scale. In those days he possessed a Personal Body Odour that would Ripen Fruit and all the charm, wit and sophistication of a Squashed Prune. Right now Fred was dating local beauty and former high school heart-throb, Caroline Crothers, but back then he was so repulsive that girls would bolt for the Next Country rather than risk bumping into him on the high street.
“How on earth,” do I hear you ask, “did Fred accomplish this marvellous feat? Was it some sort of tonic, or a magic pill or an emergency injection of Flippin Great Wadges of Cash?” And more importantly, “How Can I Get Some Of It Too??”
Welcome to The Tragedy of Charlie Bluster and Dance of Destiny
The fourth amazing book in the Charlie Bluster series continues the story after the end of the third book, ‘Charlie Bluster becomes Prime Minister’.
After the last book, Charlie Bluster has become the most popular British Prime Minister to have ever lived, supplying free chips on demand to the entire populace and leading the country into a new era of total slobbishness.
Charlie and Katie’s friendship turns to love, but when it comes to romance, our boy has all the charm and sophistication of a drunken rhinoceros at a tea party for lady priests!
Meanwhile, bosom buddies and bad eggs Conn McLear and Malcolm, god of Fate, gnash their teeth in frustration after being thwarted in the last book. With new allies and a new range of killer evil merchandise, their dastardly plan for global domination is so cunning that not even Columbo could see it coming never mind love-struck Charlie.
Is this finally the end for Bluster?
Read on to find more snippets from this incredible story, the low down on the most scrumdiddlyumptious hamburger in the world, and this year's high-society social calendar of not-to-miss-parties for high-flying toffs and other nobs.
Who can read Charlie Bluster?
Charlie Bluster was written for a 10-year-old boy called Harry to keep him amused on the way back home from holiday. Although there are some big words it may appeal to younger children from the age of 8 up. Charlie Bluster is an exciting fantasy story but also funny and contains many jokes that big children (adults) will find enjoyable.
Check out this short snippet from the book:
There are many debates about which is the smelliest animal in the world. If you asked your mummy or your Uncle Steve then almost certainly they would say that it is the Skunk, which as everyone knows, puts out a nose-curdling stink to discourage any predators stupid enough to try and eat it.
But I’ll bet my spare pair of underpants that Uncle Steve has never heard of the Farting Baboon of Southern Nigeria which uses bottom gas expulsions as its main form of communication during the mating season.
No one has ever witnessed what happens during the baboon mating season because the smell is so bad that not even Neo dares to go within a hundred miles of the place.
If you like Roald Dahl, Terry Pratchett or a funny Harry Potter then Charlie Bluster could be for you. Read the first chapter online for free to see for yourself.
The Perfect Burger of Champions
Many are the culinary experts that have attempted to assemble the perfect hamburger. We are all very familiar with the Big Mac, the Whopper and of course the Krusty Burger, but these all pale in comparison to the McPugh Special.
This Delectable Monument To Deliciousness was invented by Hugh McPugh, head chef at London Zoo and the secret story of its creation can be found within the pages of the Charlie Bluster book 4, Dance of Destiny.
We are over-awed to present you here today a breakdown of the ingredients, many of which can only be sourced from the zoo itself.
Health warning: these burgers are seriously bad for your continued survival as once tasted you will not be able to stop cramming them into your musher.
Burger Components
Bun – light and fluffy, the bread bun is the essential element to really hold the burger together. To achieve this, the dough is kneaded for fourteen hours by Rampaging Elephant Hoof with any stray dung generated during the process being carefully separated before baking. The resulting bap is lightly dusted with flour and that fine-grained sawdust from the hamster cages for extra flavour.
Crispy onions – fabricated in secrecy from Rhinoceros Toenail Clippings. The clippings are gathered late afternoon before feeding time when the Rhino is in the worst mood possible. The animal paws the ground in impatience before food and this gives the toenails that extra curl and crunchiness.
Vegetable matter - luxury green foodstuffs grown here at the Zoo and looted from a selection of animal cages tick off one of your five-a-day. To guarantee extra crunchiness and bring additional texture to the burger, none of the Caterpillars are removed first.
Meat - every burger features two tasteful marmoset patties, flame-grilled to perfection by McPugh himself. VIP customers can visit the marmoset cage before eating and select any animal that takes their fancy. Typically we recommend the cheekiest ones that blow the most raspberries.
Cheese - the zoo prides itself in providing every alternative milk product available and anyone with lactose intolerance can feel safe eating this wonderful foodstuff. Zoo cheese is made on-site and diners can choose from an extensive range including gorilla, sloth and skunk.
Bacon - fried to ultimate crispiness in Keeper Sweat, the bacon provides a bit extra crunch and a whole lot extra taste. The perfect addition to the perfect burger our bacon comes from our local herd of bearded stench-river warthogs.
Secret Sauce - the crowning achievement of this McPugh Special, the Secret Sauce embodies all the elements of a great day out at the zoo brought together in one condiment. Monkey Dribblings, Elephant Bogeys, Discarded Whisps Of Candy Floss And Overpriced Zoo Cola are mixed together and simmered for three weeks before achieving the required consistency. The resultant sauce can only be added in minute quantities to avoid an over-explosion of taste.
Social Calendar for the Elite Society Nobs
Since Charlie Bluster became Prime Minister, Britain has entered a new era of prosperity and wealth. Citizens of this awesome country fill their time trucking from one high society function to another and to ensure that everyone can keep track we proudly present here today a list of the top and most desirable functions.
Many of these are highly exclusive and accessible by invitation only but for the others, we recommend getting tickets well in advance!
1. National Institute of Ballroom Dancers Masquerade Ball
Since ballroom dancing overtook football as the sport of champions, this party has quickly become the number one social event of the year. I’m afraid to say that unless your name is Fred Astaire, then entry is by invitation only but the organizers are of course open to massive bribes especially if they involve money or chocolate, (or even both).
As Prime Minister and Britain’s first citizen, Charlie Bluster is forced to attend even if he would rather hack his own leg off to avoid going.
“Oh Charlie,” exclaimed Katie, dancing happily around the office in Number Ten Downing Street. “In only two short weeks the National Institute of Dance’s Masquerade Ball is coming up.” Charlie had tried to forget all about the ball in Self-Defence but Katie had it circled on the calendar in about fifty different colours and had left helpful reminder notes all over the place.
“It’s going to be the biggest and best event of the year. I shall have a new dress and you shall wear your best suit. We shall dance together all night and have the greatest time.”
Note from the author: a masquerade ball is a bit like a normal ball except that you have to wear a big mask to conceal your identity. The idea is to make it more Exciting and Romantic however the real reason is so that you can hide from angry girls after you’ve forgotten the dance steps and stomped all over their toes by accident.
Through many hours of emergency instruction with the best coaches in the land, Charlie had learned how to dance but as a natural two-left footer he lived in perpetual terror of what The Strictly Judges would have to say.
2. Royal Academy of Chip Frier’s Yearly Face Stuffing Awards
Charlie Bluster’s successful election campaign was based on the promise of supplying free chips to the entire country. As a result, the Holy Art Of Food Frying has become the most sought-after profession in Britain with PhDs being offered by all the top universities. Chip men everywhere are considered National Heroes and by command of the King have been awarded their own Royal Academy.
Second only to the Masquerade Ball, the Annual Face Stuffing Awards celebrates the ability of the British People to scoff vast quantities of fried food. Get your tickets now!
With the National Institute of Dance Masquerade Ball already over, the populace looked eagerly towards the Royal Academy of Chip Frier’s Yearly Face Stuffing Awards. The Face Stuffing Awards were massive, eclipsing the Oscars, the Eurovision Song Contest and even making the Karaoke Evening Down Paddy Mcguire’s Irish Pub seem like nothing in comparison.
The award ceremony would be officially opened by Jaden Phillips, Minster for Chips. Charlie Bluster and Katie, the nation’s first couple, were guests of honour and Charlie was expected to make a rousing speech and present this year’s awards.
A yellow carpet, (representing chip oil), had been rolled out and fast-food vans flanked the magnificent entrance to the building.
3. Olympic Hamburger Celebration
The human face-stuffing championships pale in comparison to this godly event, held every year at Olympus itself. As vast eternal beings of incredible powers, the gods are able to ram down at least ten times the quantity of tucker than a normal person and most contestants will be careful to insert up to sixteen separate patties between their buns.
The Olympic Hamburger Celebration lasts for an entire week and is immediately followed in the calendar by the Valhalla Belching Championships during which multiple forms of wind are broken. Visitors are advised to steer clear of the country of the gods by a good ten thousand miles during this second event and to travel with a suitable quantity of clothes pegs or other nose-stopping devices.
Each god would be careful to sample every type of hamburger possible, (except of course for foul dung-tasting marmoset burgers), and just about every topping and condiment known to man would be available.
BBQs had been set up at strategic points right across Olympus and Small Utility Lakes Containing Tomato Sauce had been constructed in preparation for the great day.
The elves who worked at Olympus, (someone had to do the jobs and the gods certainly weren’t. I mean there have to be some benefits when you get promoted to god), had the place decorated in preparation.
There were banners and streamers and of course, the Golden Arch, international symbol of the hamburger was displayed everywhere.
Once again Charlie Bluster was at ComicCon 2023 where the big news was the announcement of Dance of Destiny, to be released at Christmas 2023. One lucky person actually took away a free pre-released copy from our raffle!
Check out a few of our favourite pics here on the Charlie Bluster Facebook page.
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Playing as Jaden Phillips you travel to Ireland to uncover the mystery of McLear’s shadowy past and to learn how to stop him before it’s too late!
Unlock the secrets of the Celtic Otherworld to solve mystery and political intrigue in modern Ireland.
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